A Dip In The Swamps of Merthur
by merthurlikeaboss
Summary: A simple story of boy meets wizard meets penis. As Arthur and Merlin take their first, tentative steps in consummating their relationship, they learn more about each other than they would ever have hoped to learn. WARNING: Involves jam... and love.
1. Chapter 1

A Dip In The Swamps Of Merthur

_An original lemon_

"Emrys."

"Say it again."

"_Emrys._"

"Say it… with feeling."

"EMRYS!"

"Say the word!"

"_Destiny._"

"Give me magic, Arthur!"

"_Flagarbleblargunorf!"_

"_Fuck._"

"_Tragonamacoiteestracorrumsat usdee!_"

"Oh, _fuck_."

"_Alakazam!_"

"I'm COMING!"

_Two hours earlier_

"Hey, Gwaine."

"Hi there, Merlin. Why are you carrying that strangely small sack?"

"Just heading off on a journey."

"Where to?"

"Half a day's ride from here."

"Oh, I've been there. It's nice. Traffic's not too bad if you take the Ered Nimrais."

"Really? I'll remember that. Though you know Arthur, he'll probably want to take the desert route so the knights can walk in eagle-head formation."

"Ha, yeah… Wait, why aren't I invited?"

"Percival told me you were busy."

"He did?"

"Yeah. That you needed to stay in and clean his sword or something?"

"Really?"

"Hmm, he's borrowed my polish for you. Three tubs of it."

"Oh. Right. _Yeah, _I remember now!"

"Merlin!"

"What, Arthur?"

"Come here."

"Why…?"

"Someone's hidden my fencing trophy."

"Oh…Do you need me to… find it?"

"Yes, Merlin, I want you to… find it."

"But where shall I… find it, Arthur?"

"Deep within me, Merlin... _Deep_."

"Er, I'm going now."

"Goodbye, Gwaine."

"…"

"…"

"Fuck me."

_Two Hours, Thirty Seconds Later. _

"I love you like this, Merlin."

"Hmm?"

"You're so… revealed."

"Revealed?"

"It's magical."

"Magical."

"Yes… and revealed."

"…"

"…"

"Merlin?"

"Hmm?"

"How… how did you do that?"

"What?"

"The sparks? It sparked when… when…"

"When I entered you?"

"Yes. When you entered me."

"Well… well… it's because I'm… I'm…"

"Yes?"

"Because… because I've being rubbing my feet extra roughly against the rushes and… and that's what happens."

"Oh."

"You sound disappointed."

"I'm just… never mind."

"What?"

"I thought maybe that…"

"What did you think?"

"That you had…"

"_What?_"

"A firework penis."

"…"

"…"

"A what?"

"My father used to tell us stories about them when we were young. Men from far off lands who would be so much in love with their chosen partners that… that their penises would turn to… to fireworks upon entry."

"Uther told you that? Uther Pendragon?"

"He hated magic. He brought Morgana and I up to hate the druids and… and all that they stood for, but… had a secret love for firework penises."

"That's… beautiful."

"Yes."

"…"

"…"

"Would you like to feel the spark again, Arthur?"

"_My body is ready._"

* * *

_To be continued…?_

Please leave a review. Every time you do not leave a review, Sir Percival is forced to wear sleeves.


	2. Chapter 2

The Cave of Love and Jam

"Is that supposed to happen?"

Merlin can't believe his eyes; he'd heard legends of this before but never believed them to be true.

"Merlin! What's happened to me?"

He continues to stare in awe. Arthur is transparent... and _glowing._

"My firework penis. It did this to you. My god, you're... you're magnificent."

Arthur illuminates the dim cave, glowing like a sexy jellyfish. It's more than Merlin can take.

He reaches out to touch Arthur but the young prince with abs like Jesus has something else in mind.

"This time it's my turn"

"Arthur you know I'm not comfortable with that"

"It's ok Merlin, you can trust me. Here, help me draw a map"

Arthur pulls out a jar of jam and kneels over the emerald eyed sorcerer. He carefully begins to trace a line around his torso. It's a line he cannot cross. Merlin watches him, cheekbones straining at the unfamiliar feeling of being touched.

"I'm fifty shades of fucked up. And now I'm covered in jam"

"Everything's better when it's covered in jam. Now just lie back and think of my fencing trophy."

**FORTY SEVEN MINUTES LATER**

"EXPELLIARMUS"

"FOR THE LOVE OF CAMELOT"

Merlin doesn't even realise it but as they lie there on the floor of the cave, Arthur's hand has crossed the jam barrier – a strawberry (or possibly raspberry) flavoured first step towards a normal relationship for the young raven haired magician.

"Why did you have jam in your bag?"

"These caves are dangerous. I've heard tell of giant moles which live here and eat anyone who ventures inside, although I doubt they're real."

"Then why the hell did you bring me to here?"

"This place is hidden. It's off the map. We're more than half a day's ride from Camelot. No one would ever come out this far."

Merlin gasps; he'd heard myths of such distant lands but had not thought them to exist.

"I like to have you all to myself. My wizard"

Merlin smiles. His inner wizard is doing cartwheels. Arthur's never called him that before.

"So these moles, they could be dangerous. I'd better cover you in jam as well. Just to be safe."

"Oh yes. Don't want me being eaten by giant moles now do we?"

Merlin takes the jar and begins to smother the still glowing prince.

"Yes Merlin. Lather me up. Spread it around like I'm a piece of toast"

"But the moles can't eat you. Only me"

"Yes Merlin, only you"

"Or maybe Percival if I'm allowed to watch."

"Yes, maybe Percival too. Imagine those arms covered in jam"

"Oh Arthur"

"Hnnngh"

"Wait Arthur look! In the light of your torso I can see moles approaching! They're coming!"

"_Abracadbra_! So am I!"

* * *

_To be continued...?_

Please review. Every time you don't review, a Merlin dies sexually unsatisfied.


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